Thursday, September 22, 2011

MuLlEt PoEtRy

My mullet is spiky, green and long
but not as hard as my blue schlong

Which is wacky, wierd, wet and round
Can hardly lift it off the ground

It's sadly afflicted by crab bites
And swollen, blue, in tight red tights

In cheapo goon my sex drive drowns
I thrust no more in leaps and bounds
From syphillis I have no fear
My prick's maintained by the Planeteers!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Mullet Article

Although it fails to mention one of the greatest champions of the greatest hairstyle (me), this article nonetheless is an informative and intriguing jaunt down the history of the majestic Mullet:

http://www.avclub.com/chicago/articles/cameron-esposito-on-great-mullets-throughout-histo,59773/

Check it out.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Mail blawhg

So I open my inbox after my many weeks of well-deserved rest from dealing with the torture of not having my adoring fans flood it with inane praise and insightful questions or ANYTHING REALLY, and when I do check it WHAT do I get? I get two pieces of mail, both from the same fuckign weirdo! Jesus christ what d I have to do to get your attention?! Blwo up the world again? I don't fucking care it'd be easier than remembering to post on this blasted thing during my rare windows of sustained sobriety (or creative states of altered consciousness).

"Sorry, I do hope it get's through this time. For some reason you're email name bounces. Unlucky.

Anywho, so you actually managed to memorise the whole movie? That is an impressive feat! Gaia must have at least recognised the passion for her you had simply by the effort you put into it. I do hope you managed to return the scars in some form for what she put you though.

Forever your minion,

Lanky"

I would like to say that those scars have indeed been returned, in the form of legal fees ranging in the hundreds of dollars. Those fees for sustaining court orders and peace bonds - they add up, fool!

"Captain! Mate, how are ya?

I hear the casks are proving to be a small problem for you? With that, I have a few ideas that you can do!

1. Donate them to the local childcare. They would prove to be excellent re-useable water bags for them, or pillows, or balloons, or anything else that involves carrying a liquidated gas. (assuming you don't have any diseases that can be contracted through sharing goon sacks)

2 Donate them to the local aged care home. I assume that with an ageing population, hot water bottles would be in great demand. With one of these babies curled up around the wrinkled, liver spotted feet of those old darlings, they'd be sure to get a good night sleep.

3. Donate them to the local brothal. Erotic asphyxiation. Need I say more?

Those are a few ideas I had to help. I have more, but I assume that should take care of them for a while.

Forever a fan,

Lanky"

Oh, so you're no longer my minion. You're a "fan" now. Just a "fan". I only go a single month without posting anything about my wretched existence and immediately I am degraded in your eyes? What kind of "fan" would do that? Why...why would you DO such a thing to me? EXPLAIN yourself - why?!?

As for the casks, they have since been filled with compost, and then sealed with melted plastic. The warmth from the decomposition of the enclosed garbage serves as a semi-adequate home heating system.

massage my bruised ego at: captainofourplanet @@@@@@@  gmail DOT com

Saturday, August 6, 2011

A different approach

So late one night, while skulking the sewers of the internet for the most swarthy of sustenances, I came across an incredibly uninformed discussion about the current economic crisis. After spamming the thread with gay bagpiping porn for half an hour, I then decided I had nothing to do but actually read the links that were vomited upon my screen. There, I LEARNED THE MAGICAL TRUTH: recessions are great for the economy! When the world is in recession, people buy less, consume less, and throw away less! Nothing couldn't be better!

And seeing as how investment bankers have single-handedly thrown the world into a painful recession from which it is just coming out of, I feel that if I want to keep succeeding as a pioneer in environmental warfare, I must adopt those methods which are most effective, irrespective of the human costs (becuase let's face it: you people are all scum.).

Henceforth I have taken up a position at the investment firm JP Morgan Chase, home of the most economically destructive banking practices known to man. Right now i'm cleaning their toilets, but through goose-related shenanigans I will extort and molest my way into a position of power!

Wish me luck!

Friday, July 8, 2011

A bit of help?

Wannabee planeteers,

I need your help on something. Lately i've taken to the goon as a way to save money while still avoiding the crushing realities of my day-to-day life. However, it seems as if my locality does not offer me any option, WHATSOEVER, for recycling the spent casks. The liquor store won't let me reuse them, and I can't think of any other use for them. Can anyone help? I've filled up my linen closet with casks and am now using the bathroom as storage for them, and i'm afraid that my eco-conscious mannerisms will get me evicted come next contraband inspection.

Any tips? Helpful hints? Send 'em to captainofourplanet ( a ))gmail. com

Mulleted crusader par excellence,
Da Cap'n

Monday, May 30, 2011

Mailbag, oh so sexy mailbag

Feces.

"Dear Captain Planet,
   Sorry for the long absence of my letters. Real life gets WAYYY to hectic, but I'm sure you understand the most. You know, cause of all the lovely eco threats that have arisen in the last several months. Anyways, to my question! I have been wondering for a long time now, well ever since you blew up the planet and Mother Gaia told you to fix it, do you have someone special in your life? I know this seems as a more personal question but you know Cap, I always kinda looked at you as a friend...A Friend with a badass mullet. So I just curious, just because I think that is what would make your life better! Real honest lady love, from a LADY!! Sorry..energy drink...so..so hyper...! Anyways as always Cap, thank you for read and hopfully answering my letters!

Your Fan and Friend,
Lanna"

Speak no more. My loins needs warm, creamy melted cheese smeared all over them, and professional help doesn't come cheap. So to answer your question, yes I am currently hiring groupies, please apply in person. Latex lizard tails are a must.

"Yo captain.

Gaia was always floating around like some omipresent earthen spirit. Anything ever happen between you two? I bet it was sexy.

Lanky"

Sadly, Gaia used to be open to a relationship with me. Back then she was going through her Dustin Hoffman phase, and was vulnerable to anything that closely resembled the mangled stallion's digusting charms. She hinted to me that, were I to dress up like the Hoff, and recite lines from All The President's Men, she might waive her court order and let her let me touch her chocolate cocoa puff.

Sadly, by the time I memorized the entire movie, she had dropped her fascination with Hoffman in favour of your standard sadistic whip fetish.

Sadly, I have the scars to prove that this happened. On my loins, sadly.

sadly, I must ask again that you send all your fan mails to captainofourplanet (at ) gmail . com

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Finally, some recognition

Just a quick mention that I have finally cracked the top 20 pictures for the google image search phrase "famous mullets"! Although the denizens of this planet might be largely ignoring the advice I so valiantly extended to them in the 80's, I have still received today at least some of the recognition that I deserve for my efforts.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I hate you all

Why did I create this horrible waste of electricity and bandwidth? While other supernatural entities receive regular national media attention and thousands of fans that regularly lavish them with praise and saliva, all I receive is more consumer filth from Quizno's, who have been joined by Canadian Tire and the Playboy Company. I urge you to harass their corporate executives and their families, as these people have all taken out pre-emptive restraining orders against me, complete with court-ordered tracking beacons.

"Hey Captain,
I'm assuming the green on your outfit represents the earth, the blue is the sky/ocean, and the yellow is for the sun. I'm afraid to ask, but what does the red represent?

Leo"

Surprisingly, the answer to this is fairly mundane: red represents the reproductive processes of the earth, from the molten heat of our planet's core, to the blood running through every placentia that has ever existed. If one were to go through the creation stories of most superheroes, that person would be able to read quite a bit of fetal imagery into what would otherwise be mundane tales of tragic loss and assumptions of major responsibility.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Out on acceptable behaviour

To my adoring fan, I just want to tell you all that i'm back on the streets, ready to do socially acceptable activities! Although I may have been under outhouse arrest for a good month stemming from a particularly strange and weird vegan bash, I must ask that you please overlook any court records dating from that time that have my name on them.

I would like to say that i'm going to tackle the massive build-up of mail that accrued during my incarceration, but when I got access to my gmail account all I found were two e-mails. Both were coupon offers from Denny's. Although my last post might have been a contributing factor to this non-event I ask that you overlook that as well.

Rest of your e-mails go up tomorrow. The vegan bash story goes up whenever, but probably soon since i've been living the high life off of the $200 I get a month from the column I write for Mullet Monthly.

Friday, March 25, 2011

You...you are all SCUM!

Nothing else to say...you fools, you Earth-raping inbeciles are doomed for a planet that is bereft of everything that is nice in life. Goon, for instance - I don't know how the vineyards will survive against the ravages of global warming. You fools!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Mailbag #2

Hey you sexy fools, it may have been a while since i've posted, but...ah, fuck it. I tried to go to Japan to control the nuclear meltdown, but apparently even NON-VIOLENT felonies still deny me the right to an entry visa. I said fuck it, and went anyway. Long story short, they put me in detention and now here I am, back at home, except that my cable and water have been cut off and I should really get around to hooking those up. I think it might be time to visit the ol' crabbery again...I swore I would never go there again, but I am a desperate man...

"When you went on a killing spree did you kill Chuck Norris?  I know it seems like a stupid question but come on.  You have freaking super powers.  But Chuck Norris has a beard.  Did he died or did you avoid him as possible?"
Crazy D

Chuck Norris, being a fictional character completely invented by the wicked machinations of the Hollywood industry, does not and will never exist. Even still, I could take the fucker.

"Sadly I am to young to have watched your show but if you wish to save the planet why don't you just kill Tony Abbot? You seem very capable."
Jen

Believe it or not, I did kill Tony Abbot on the greasy floor of the Q & A studio that day. However, the weekly attempts on his life have prompted the military to lone him, indefinately, a crack team of medical researchers to instantly inject him with cactus serum and resuscitate him immediately. During my interrogation I was apparently told that [REDACTED] which is why he is more machine than human now.

" I do indeed see your point and understand that you did win in the end. Yet, I cannot seem to recall this whole Cannibalism thing. When did that come up? What did you do, eat the Russian girl's leg for survival? I mean, I figured you are more or less immortal...well with the draw back for being tied to the planet and the more the planet suffers the more you, yourself suffer. I do not mean to pry, but it is strange seeing one of my favorite Action hero's going around and chomping down on some random idiot on the streets.
Still one of your Fans,
Lanna"

The "whole cannibalism thing" hasn't come up in MONTHS, and I don't need you reminding me! Even still, I have never successfully eaten any part of the Planeteers, and to answer your question, people who are born from the depths of the Earth are born with the innate urge to feast on the rarest kinds of flesh. Sometimes I stalk herds of Kobe cattle, but when I rip into one of THOSE all I get is a few months probation. Hypocrisy.

I still have a few more e-mails to answer, so don't fret: keep checking, yours will PROBABLY be up sometime soon. Remember, send me your inane pop cultural references and veiled insults to captainofourplanet_( a)_gmail.com

Monday, March 14, 2011

Yahzee!

In the business of editorial cartoons, "Yahtzee" is where several cartoonists respond, within a short time span, to the same event with similar cartoons.

In the case of Japan's national tragedy, however, two incredibly stupid people have Yahtzeed in an equally stupid manner: by declaring the quake/tsunami/nuclear crisis to be an act of punishment for the national sin du jour.

Paul Watson, claiming (in a fairly opaque way) that Japan brought the tsunami upon itself because of its refusal to outlaw whaling:
http://www.sankakucomplex.com/2011/03/14/sea-shepherd-quake-is-divine-retribution-against-japan/
And Governor Ishihara, who said that the quake was divine retribution for the sinful ways of modern Japan:
http://www.sankakucomplex.com/2011/03/14/ishihara-quake-is-divine-retribution-against-japan/

Warning: both links are extremely NSFW and WILL get you banned from the public library

Look out Phelps, you got competition!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

NO JUST NO

http://insidetv.ew.com/2011/03/08/why-cbs-should-relaunch-two-and-a-half-men-without-charlie-sheen/

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRYH


HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AH

ah

WHY
Why would anyone say that?

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Mailbag #1

I said I would do it, and here it is: my answers for your questions! A grand total of three people asked me questions so i'm fairly certain this is going to be a yearly occurence. Anyway:

"I know what you did, man.
You'll pay for what you did to the squirrels."
E from O

First of all, this isn't a question. Although you did send me an actual question later on, I am still very disappointed that this was the first e-mail that I got. However, to respond to your comment, I have not had anything to do with squirrels in years. I would also like to know where you got that information, as it is clearly false and without merit.

"Have you talked to Captain Pollution, lately?"
E from O

Fishbelt O'Reilly asked me this question as well, I believe. Captain Pollution has since discarded his spandex suit and cologne of rotting garbage for a business suit. Last time I checked, he was the poll captain for the Liberals in NSW.

"Dear Captain Planet,
  I have been wondering this for a long time now after reading you blog, and truth be told I'm a little worried to ask. You have had MANY villains over the years from Dr. Blight to a Evil version of you. Whatever happened to those guys? I mean I figured the planeteers were all weird little bastards anyways; but Those villains always seemed to be a bit more competent than...well...you and your group of Eco Fighters. Anyways thanks for answering my question on your most busy Schedule.
Your long time fan,
Lanna"

Your assertion that the eco villians I consistently beat during the 80s were more competent than me and the Planeteers is sickening. Here's a question: if they were so competent, than how come the environment is still relatively livable? HUH?

I thought not.

Anyway, most of the eco-villians have passed away from various medical conditions brought on by their puzzling insistence on personally handling hazardous materials and maintaining unhealthy lifestyles. Looten Plunder is serving a 36 month prison sentence for cheating rich people out of their money on chicken bonds default swap deals, while Zarm now operates a small business out of Akron, Ohio, selling books about libertarianism and objectivism. It is my firm assertion that he is saving up money to buy the corpse of Ayn Rand. More to come on that.

That's it for now folks. Send your questions, comments, and majestic pictures of squid to captainofourplanet_( a)_gmail.com

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Wikipedia slander

I've learned from a confidential source that wikipedia, once a powerful force for social progression and eco-change, is now describing me as a "violent, raging alcoholic". While entirely factual I find it to be in poor judgement for one of my many disciples to break ranks and disrput the unity of the movement.

Basically, you are all scumbags. I will castrate you all.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Questions and my hypothetical answers

I`ve decided that I should take a different angle towards connecting with the world`s youth; going to seedy crack dens usually ends with police attention and worse. Instead, i`ll have you wonderful people contact me at captainofourplanet_(at)_gmail.com. I`ll do a Q `n A every now and then, a.k.a. when I feel like it.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

More legal troubles and agitators in our midst

Long story short, one of you reported my last post to the authorities. That made its way to the legal counsel of the remaining planeteers, who then immediately filed a class action lawsuit to have my blog eradicated and pictures of me in a lionskin singlet posted in small, classified ads all across our blase nation. Although the judge was kind enough to rule against all of these requests, she did place a court order against me prohibiting me from writing about the Planeteers for the next six months. I have recovered my pomegranate-crazed lawyer, and he is now working his darndest to get an injunction against this blatantly eco-unfriendly action. In the meantime, as punishment for ratting me out, I have had five readers of my blog selected at random and bikini waxed at knife point.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Planeteers, Part 1

So quite a few of you have been asking me: "Captain Planet, where are the Planeteers in your life? How come you don't mention them in your blogs? Why are you inserting your hand into that toaster?" In spite the irrelevance of that last question I feel that this blog must address where my former comrades and enablers are in their lives nowadays before it can continue its current chronicling or my travails.

I must say with a heavy heart that I haven't talked with the Planeteers since Christmas eve of 1999. The one exception has been Ma'ti who has been kind enough to keep me from completely shutting myself off from the rest of the world and refusing to bathe with his monthly visits.

Wheeler was fortunately spared this unpleasantness with his passing two months before. Although he was insistent on the collection of a debt that I owed him, we remained on cordial if curt terms. However following his tragic death in a rock climbing incident, the Planeteers refused to meet with me, incredulously blaming me for providing him with a faulty harness that, according to a police detective (but completely unsubstantiated in a court of law) was held together with rivets made out of tinfoil. Needless to say, the Christmas reunion that was required by our severance contract was shaping up to be an unpleasant one.

I felt that this was mainly due not to my presence (as Kwane later carved into my amphibious hovercraft) but instead due to Wheeler's absence. Thus, my decision to dig up his corpse and freeze dry it in time for the party was a logical step to destroying the proverbial wall between me, the Planeteers, and the usual cocaine-fuelled orgy of violence that I had come to love.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson is racist against salt

Also he probably likes to be told to put on a latex lizard tail and told to due dirty, unholy, environmentally-friendly things in seedy motel rooms for hundreds of dollars and hour. My proof?

http://www.treehugger.com/files/2007/07/clarkson_in_tro.php

Need I say more? The man is clearly a perverted scumbag in denial about his secret love for Gaia and all of her creations.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Finally done putting Earth back together

Well i've just finished the last disk, which means that Bouvet Island is now no longer missing from the face of the planet. Gaia says I still need to go through therapy (in addition to the court-mandated sessions i'm attending already) so that I can finally suppress my taste for blood in a more socially acceptable manner. I don't hold hope for that to happen though as i've already eaten two swallows this morning. The second one had a particularly satisfying crunch to its skull.

P.S. many of you have been asking me about the Planeteers lately. I'll talk to you about that next post - keep your browsers tuned.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Quick update

Nearly done the restoration of planet earth, all I have left is greenland and parts of russia. Leaving south siberia a gigantic void is indeed very tempting (I mean who's going to miss it?) however Gaia has told me doing that will get me a week in the box. Needless to say I still have my work cut out for me. :(

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Restoring earth from backup

Hey everyone. Making this short since Gaia is forcing me to restore Earth from a backup she made last month. Right now i'm on disk 34 of 111,230,211. I don't even really know why i'm writing this since I ended all life on Earth and rendered the planet into an inhospitable sulphur giant yesterday because of an ENTIRELY AVOIDABLE argument about proper verb usage.

fuck

Okay ralph you fucking fuck listen here alright? I don’t give a fucking shit about your goddman court ordrsm or these new restraining bonds! Geezuz fucking Christ a man makes mistakes in trying to protect the thing that he loves the most! How was I to know that those teenagers would initiatie legal action, just because I burned down their how and maybe whipped them a bit?/ So what? Don’t they realize how much damage that big mac meal did to mothership earth? DO YOU FUCKING KNOW HOW MUCH? NO I DON”T THINK So. It’s because you’re fuckign careless. Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck. Why did th state have to curse me with legal counsel that had tits for braisn? I mean if greenpace could get off of vandalism charges by using the “defender of the planet” excuse, surely you motherfucking think I’d be able to shake off an arson charge with the same defence?!?//
Goddamnit you pencildick. Where is you fucking mullet nyway? I specifically asked for a mulleted attorney to replace the one that I wasted that $100 plus three shots of triple sec retainer on! Fuck that guy and all of his sea lions. If he loves them so much why doesn’t he just fucking marry them all? I recognize their contribution to the biosphere but in my opinion some animals are better contributers than others.
Aggggh.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Connecting with our nation's youth

Ever since my mainstream years, I have always considered myself to be more in touch with our festering nation’s youth than any superhero, an unquestionable fact to which I attribute to my unyielding, unstoppable work in trying to create a better future for everyone and their unborn babies. Last weekend I felt that, while this status was undeniably outside of the realm of doubt, I felt it appropriate to reacquaint myself with the most up-to-date pop culture garbage and inane trendy catchphrases, so that my ability to communicate the green gospel to those under the age of 35 for more than five minutes without negative police attention.
Before I could interact, however, I first needed to locate some youths with whom I could exchange words, ideas, and mind-altering, problem-dissolving substances with. Such was not a problem, as I had come across a flyer for a punk rock concert (regrettably located in the basement of an earth-destroying suburban bungalow) while curled up in the shrubbery of a nearby public park. Digging it from the layers-upon-layers of pleasantly decomposing plant matter in my basement, I was saddened to learn that, not only was the concert indirectly contributing to the death of our planet through the liberal usage of ink, but had already happened yesterday. However, just as I haven’t let my old tracking anklet prevent me from finding new and inventive ways to sate my blood lust, I was determined not to let this destroy my ability to connect with the young’uns.
Therefore, I decided to drop by the house anyway, hoping that the performance would be repeated. Things took a turn for the worse when I entered the house, however: garbage strewn everywhere, recyclables mixed with non-recyclable trash, tobacco products present. A young lady with matted hair dyed blue walked out into the kitchen, and asked me who I was. Before I had time to identify myself, though, I saw a paper fast food cup in her hand with the McDonald’s logo. At that point I knew my mission had become unsalvageable.
Needless to say I drove all of the occupants out of the house before burning it to the ground, after which I gave a quick lecture about the perils of supporting the destructive fast food industry before ascending into the heavens. As I heard the sirens of police cars and fire trucks come from below, I knew that, while my work was not over, I had advanced another step towards a pure, unadulterated earth

Saturday, February 5, 2011

February 6, 2011

This afternoon I went to my Cannibals Anonymous group therapy session. I've been going ever since the Judge ordered me to attend them, as part of my plea bargain, and they are of some help. It's become quite clear to me now that the whole program is designed not so much to erase one's lust for flesh, but to simply repress it so that it can be replaced by a more socially acceptable addiction, such as alcohol, barbiturates or wax sculptures. They still force me, along with everyone else who attends, to wear a muzzle; my lawyer has notified me that he is working to have an exemption put in place. I don't hold much hope for this to happen, as the local news reported that he was last spotted wandering down towards the piers, acting extremely erratic and yelling about lawn gnomes.