"Dear Captain Planet,
Sorry for the long absence of my letters. Real life gets WAYYY to hectic, but I'm sure you understand the most. You know, cause of all the lovely eco threats that have arisen in the last several months. Anyways, to my question! I have been wondering for a long time now, well ever since you blew up the planet and Mother Gaia told you to fix it, do you have someone special in your life? I know this seems as a more personal question but you know Cap, I always kinda looked at you as a friend...A Friend with a badass mullet. So I just curious, just because I think that is what would make your life better! Real honest lady love, from a LADY!! Sorry..energy drink...so..so hyper...! Anyways as always Cap, thank you for read and hopfully answering my letters!
Your Fan and Friend,
Speak no more. My loins needs warm, creamy melted cheese smeared all over them, and professional help doesn't come cheap. So to answer your question, yes I am currently hiring groupies, please apply in person. Latex lizard tails are a must.
Gaia was always floating around like some omipresent earthen spirit. Anything ever happen between you two? I bet it was sexy.
Sadly, Gaia used to be open to a relationship with me. Back then she was going through her Dustin Hoffman phase, and was vulnerable to anything that closely resembled the mangled stallion's digusting charms. She hinted to me that, were I to dress up like the Hoff, and recite lines from All The President's Men, she might waive her court order and let her let me touch her chocolate cocoa puff.
Sadly, by the time I memorized the entire movie, she had dropped her fascination with Hoffman in favour of your standard sadistic whip fetish.
Sadly, I have the scars to prove that this happened. On my loins, sadly.
sadly, I must ask again that you send all your fan mails to captainofourplanet (at ) gmail . com