Sunday, February 27, 2011

More legal troubles and agitators in our midst

Long story short, one of you reported my last post to the authorities. That made its way to the legal counsel of the remaining planeteers, who then immediately filed a class action lawsuit to have my blog eradicated and pictures of me in a lionskin singlet posted in small, classified ads all across our blase nation. Although the judge was kind enough to rule against all of these requests, she did place a court order against me prohibiting me from writing about the Planeteers for the next six months. I have recovered my pomegranate-crazed lawyer, and he is now working his darndest to get an injunction against this blatantly eco-unfriendly action. In the meantime, as punishment for ratting me out, I have had five readers of my blog selected at random and bikini waxed at knife point.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Planeteers, Part 1

So quite a few of you have been asking me: "Captain Planet, where are the Planeteers in your life? How come you don't mention them in your blogs? Why are you inserting your hand into that toaster?" In spite the irrelevance of that last question I feel that this blog must address where my former comrades and enablers are in their lives nowadays before it can continue its current chronicling or my travails.

I must say with a heavy heart that I haven't talked with the Planeteers since Christmas eve of 1999. The one exception has been Ma'ti who has been kind enough to keep me from completely shutting myself off from the rest of the world and refusing to bathe with his monthly visits.

Wheeler was fortunately spared this unpleasantness with his passing two months before. Although he was insistent on the collection of a debt that I owed him, we remained on cordial if curt terms. However following his tragic death in a rock climbing incident, the Planeteers refused to meet with me, incredulously blaming me for providing him with a faulty harness that, according to a police detective (but completely unsubstantiated in a court of law) was held together with rivets made out of tinfoil. Needless to say, the Christmas reunion that was required by our severance contract was shaping up to be an unpleasant one.

I felt that this was mainly due not to my presence (as Kwane later carved into my amphibious hovercraft) but instead due to Wheeler's absence. Thus, my decision to dig up his corpse and freeze dry it in time for the party was a logical step to destroying the proverbial wall between me, the Planeteers, and the usual cocaine-fuelled orgy of violence that I had come to love.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson is racist against salt

Also he probably likes to be told to put on a latex lizard tail and told to due dirty, unholy, environmentally-friendly things in seedy motel rooms for hundreds of dollars and hour. My proof?

Need I say more? The man is clearly a perverted scumbag in denial about his secret love for Gaia and all of her creations.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Finally done putting Earth back together

Well i've just finished the last disk, which means that Bouvet Island is now no longer missing from the face of the planet. Gaia says I still need to go through therapy (in addition to the court-mandated sessions i'm attending already) so that I can finally suppress my taste for blood in a more socially acceptable manner. I don't hold hope for that to happen though as i've already eaten two swallows this morning. The second one had a particularly satisfying crunch to its skull.

P.S. many of you have been asking me about the Planeteers lately. I'll talk to you about that next post - keep your browsers tuned.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Quick update

Nearly done the restoration of planet earth, all I have left is greenland and parts of russia. Leaving south siberia a gigantic void is indeed very tempting (I mean who's going to miss it?) however Gaia has told me doing that will get me a week in the box. Needless to say I still have my work cut out for me. :(

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Restoring earth from backup

Hey everyone. Making this short since Gaia is forcing me to restore Earth from a backup she made last month. Right now i'm on disk 34 of 111,230,211. I don't even really know why i'm writing this since I ended all life on Earth and rendered the planet into an inhospitable sulphur giant yesterday because of an ENTIRELY AVOIDABLE argument about proper verb usage.


Okay ralph you fucking fuck listen here alright? I don’t give a fucking shit about your goddman court ordrsm or these new restraining bonds! Geezuz fucking Christ a man makes mistakes in trying to protect the thing that he loves the most! How was I to know that those teenagers would initiatie legal action, just because I burned down their how and maybe whipped them a bit?/ So what? Don’t they realize how much damage that big mac meal did to mothership earth? DO YOU FUCKING KNOW HOW MUCH? NO I DON”T THINK So. It’s because you’re fuckign careless. Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck. Why did th state have to curse me with legal counsel that had tits for braisn? I mean if greenpace could get off of vandalism charges by using the “defender of the planet” excuse, surely you motherfucking think I’d be able to shake off an arson charge with the same defence?!?//
Goddamnit you pencildick. Where is you fucking mullet nyway? I specifically asked for a mulleted attorney to replace the one that I wasted that $100 plus three shots of triple sec retainer on! Fuck that guy and all of his sea lions. If he loves them so much why doesn’t he just fucking marry them all? I recognize their contribution to the biosphere but in my opinion some animals are better contributers than others.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Connecting with our nation's youth

Ever since my mainstream years, I have always considered myself to be more in touch with our festering nation’s youth than any superhero, an unquestionable fact to which I attribute to my unyielding, unstoppable work in trying to create a better future for everyone and their unborn babies. Last weekend I felt that, while this status was undeniably outside of the realm of doubt, I felt it appropriate to reacquaint myself with the most up-to-date pop culture garbage and inane trendy catchphrases, so that my ability to communicate the green gospel to those under the age of 35 for more than five minutes without negative police attention.
Before I could interact, however, I first needed to locate some youths with whom I could exchange words, ideas, and mind-altering, problem-dissolving substances with. Such was not a problem, as I had come across a flyer for a punk rock concert (regrettably located in the basement of an earth-destroying suburban bungalow) while curled up in the shrubbery of a nearby public park. Digging it from the layers-upon-layers of pleasantly decomposing plant matter in my basement, I was saddened to learn that, not only was the concert indirectly contributing to the death of our planet through the liberal usage of ink, but had already happened yesterday. However, just as I haven’t let my old tracking anklet prevent me from finding new and inventive ways to sate my blood lust, I was determined not to let this destroy my ability to connect with the young’uns.
Therefore, I decided to drop by the house anyway, hoping that the performance would be repeated. Things took a turn for the worse when I entered the house, however: garbage strewn everywhere, recyclables mixed with non-recyclable trash, tobacco products present. A young lady with matted hair dyed blue walked out into the kitchen, and asked me who I was. Before I had time to identify myself, though, I saw a paper fast food cup in her hand with the McDonald’s logo. At that point I knew my mission had become unsalvageable.
Needless to say I drove all of the occupants out of the house before burning it to the ground, after which I gave a quick lecture about the perils of supporting the destructive fast food industry before ascending into the heavens. As I heard the sirens of police cars and fire trucks come from below, I knew that, while my work was not over, I had advanced another step towards a pure, unadulterated earth

Saturday, February 5, 2011

February 6, 2011

This afternoon I went to my Cannibals Anonymous group therapy session. I've been going ever since the Judge ordered me to attend them, as part of my plea bargain, and they are of some help. It's become quite clear to me now that the whole program is designed not so much to erase one's lust for flesh, but to simply repress it so that it can be replaced by a more socially acceptable addiction, such as alcohol, barbiturates or wax sculptures. They still force me, along with everyone else who attends, to wear a muzzle; my lawyer has notified me that he is working to have an exemption put in place. I don't hold much hope for this to happen, as the local news reported that he was last spotted wandering down towards the piers, acting extremely erratic and yelling about lawn gnomes.