Monday, February 21, 2011

Planeteers, Part 1

So quite a few of you have been asking me: "Captain Planet, where are the Planeteers in your life? How come you don't mention them in your blogs? Why are you inserting your hand into that toaster?" In spite the irrelevance of that last question I feel that this blog must address where my former comrades and enablers are in their lives nowadays before it can continue its current chronicling or my travails.

I must say with a heavy heart that I haven't talked with the Planeteers since Christmas eve of 1999. The one exception has been Ma'ti who has been kind enough to keep me from completely shutting myself off from the rest of the world and refusing to bathe with his monthly visits.

Wheeler was fortunately spared this unpleasantness with his passing two months before. Although he was insistent on the collection of a debt that I owed him, we remained on cordial if curt terms. However following his tragic death in a rock climbing incident, the Planeteers refused to meet with me, incredulously blaming me for providing him with a faulty harness that, according to a police detective (but completely unsubstantiated in a court of law) was held together with rivets made out of tinfoil. Needless to say, the Christmas reunion that was required by our severance contract was shaping up to be an unpleasant one.

I felt that this was mainly due not to my presence (as Kwane later carved into my amphibious hovercraft) but instead due to Wheeler's absence. Thus, my decision to dig up his corpse and freeze dry it in time for the party was a logical step to destroying the proverbial wall between me, the Planeteers, and the usual cocaine-fuelled orgy of violence that I had come to love.


  1. OK what abou that on women who created the rings... I forgot her name... WHY! I want a cookie

  2. I feel your pain, captain planet...I feel your pain.

  3. Gaia is currently hosting a successful talk radio show out of Muncie, Indiana.

    I am required by law to state that I, Clayton "Captain" Planet, am in no way associated with this program or any of their advertisers.

  4. jeez the planeteers sound like a bunch of whiny narcs who don't know how to have fun.

  5. In fact, I would go as far to say that the Planeteers were a secret cult sect, which were attempting to exploit Captain Planet and his powers to save the environment...

    Only the environment was really secret code for Nazi's.

    Your evil secret has been revealed Captain Planet, you and the Planeteers can hide this no longer from the public!

  6. dear captain planet,
    after destroying the planet (yes, we remember)we have decided it is time for you to step down. seeing as you decided to pickup on the young officers inappropriate use of the term "fritata", it has been decided that this young and upcoming super hero shall take your place.
    a newer version of you.
    once you have over come your alcholic addiction, we will permit you to side kick transfer the hell out of his inexperienced ass.
    good luck,
    the cockroaches >=3

  7. Have you talked to Captain Pollution, recently?