Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Mailbag #2

Hey you sexy fools, it may have been a while since i've posted, but...ah, fuck it. I tried to go to Japan to control the nuclear meltdown, but apparently even NON-VIOLENT felonies still deny me the right to an entry visa. I said fuck it, and went anyway. Long story short, they put me in detention and now here I am, back at home, except that my cable and water have been cut off and I should really get around to hooking those up. I think it might be time to visit the ol' crabbery again...I swore I would never go there again, but I am a desperate man...

"When you went on a killing spree did you kill Chuck Norris?  I know it seems like a stupid question but come on.  You have freaking super powers.  But Chuck Norris has a beard.  Did he died or did you avoid him as possible?"
Crazy D

Chuck Norris, being a fictional character completely invented by the wicked machinations of the Hollywood industry, does not and will never exist. Even still, I could take the fucker.

"Sadly I am to young to have watched your show but if you wish to save the planet why don't you just kill Tony Abbot? You seem very capable."

Believe it or not, I did kill Tony Abbot on the greasy floor of the Q & A studio that day. However, the weekly attempts on his life have prompted the military to lone him, indefinately, a crack team of medical researchers to instantly inject him with cactus serum and resuscitate him immediately. During my interrogation I was apparently told that [REDACTED] which is why he is more machine than human now.

" I do indeed see your point and understand that you did win in the end. Yet, I cannot seem to recall this whole Cannibalism thing. When did that come up? What did you do, eat the Russian girl's leg for survival? I mean, I figured you are more or less immortal...well with the draw back for being tied to the planet and the more the planet suffers the more you, yourself suffer. I do not mean to pry, but it is strange seeing one of my favorite Action hero's going around and chomping down on some random idiot on the streets.
Still one of your Fans,

The "whole cannibalism thing" hasn't come up in MONTHS, and I don't need you reminding me! Even still, I have never successfully eaten any part of the Planeteers, and to answer your question, people who are born from the depths of the Earth are born with the innate urge to feast on the rarest kinds of flesh. Sometimes I stalk herds of Kobe cattle, but when I rip into one of THOSE all I get is a few months probation. Hypocrisy.

I still have a few more e-mails to answer, so don't fret: keep checking, yours will PROBABLY be up sometime soon. Remember, send me your inane pop cultural references and veiled insults to captainofourplanet_( a)

1 comment:

  1. OMG Chuck Norris is a lie. Then I can finally RULE THE shoe.