Ever since my mainstream years, I have always considered myself to be more in touch with our festering nation’s youth than any superhero, an unquestionable fact to which I attribute to my unyielding, unstoppable work in trying to create a better future for everyone and their unborn babies. Last weekend I felt that, while this status was undeniably outside of the realm of doubt, I felt it appropriate to reacquaint myself with the most up-to-date pop culture garbage and inane trendy catchphrases, so that my ability to communicate the green gospel to those under the age of 35 for more than five minutes without negative police attention.
Before I could interact, however, I first needed to locate some youths with whom I could exchange words, ideas, and mind-altering, problem-dissolving substances with. Such was not a problem, as I had come across a flyer for a punk rock concert (regrettably located in the basement of an earth-destroying suburban bungalow) while curled up in the shrubbery of a nearby public park. Digging it from the layers-upon-layers of pleasantly decomposing plant matter in my basement, I was saddened to learn that, not only was the concert indirectly contributing to the death of our planet through the liberal usage of ink, but had already happened yesterday. However, just as I haven’t let my old tracking anklet prevent me from finding new and inventive ways to sate my blood lust, I was determined not to let this destroy my ability to connect with the young’uns.
Therefore, I decided to drop by the house anyway, hoping that the performance would be repeated. Things took a turn for the worse when I entered the house, however: garbage strewn everywhere, recyclables mixed with non-recyclable trash, tobacco products present. A young lady with matted hair dyed blue walked out into the kitchen, and asked me who I was. Before I had time to identify myself, though, I saw a paper fast food cup in her hand with the McDonald’s logo. At that point I knew my mission had become unsalvageable.
Needless to say I drove all of the occupants out of the house before burning it to the ground, after which I gave a quick lecture about the perils of supporting the destructive fast food industry before ascending into the heavens. As I heard the sirens of police cars and fire trucks come from below, I knew that, while my work was not over, I had advanced another step towards a pure, unadulterated earth