Friday, March 25, 2011

You...you are all SCUM!

Nothing else to say...you fools, you Earth-raping inbeciles are doomed for a planet that is bereft of everything that is nice in life. Goon, for instance - I don't know how the vineyards will survive against the ravages of global warming. You fools!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Mailbag #2

Hey you sexy fools, it may have been a while since i've posted, but...ah, fuck it. I tried to go to Japan to control the nuclear meltdown, but apparently even NON-VIOLENT felonies still deny me the right to an entry visa. I said fuck it, and went anyway. Long story short, they put me in detention and now here I am, back at home, except that my cable and water have been cut off and I should really get around to hooking those up. I think it might be time to visit the ol' crabbery again...I swore I would never go there again, but I am a desperate man...

"When you went on a killing spree did you kill Chuck Norris?  I know it seems like a stupid question but come on.  You have freaking super powers.  But Chuck Norris has a beard.  Did he died or did you avoid him as possible?"
Crazy D

Chuck Norris, being a fictional character completely invented by the wicked machinations of the Hollywood industry, does not and will never exist. Even still, I could take the fucker.

"Sadly I am to young to have watched your show but if you wish to save the planet why don't you just kill Tony Abbot? You seem very capable."
Jen

Believe it or not, I did kill Tony Abbot on the greasy floor of the Q & A studio that day. However, the weekly attempts on his life have prompted the military to lone him, indefinately, a crack team of medical researchers to instantly inject him with cactus serum and resuscitate him immediately. During my interrogation I was apparently told that [REDACTED] which is why he is more machine than human now.

" I do indeed see your point and understand that you did win in the end. Yet, I cannot seem to recall this whole Cannibalism thing. When did that come up? What did you do, eat the Russian girl's leg for survival? I mean, I figured you are more or less immortal...well with the draw back for being tied to the planet and the more the planet suffers the more you, yourself suffer. I do not mean to pry, but it is strange seeing one of my favorite Action hero's going around and chomping down on some random idiot on the streets.
Still one of your Fans,
Lanna"

The "whole cannibalism thing" hasn't come up in MONTHS, and I don't need you reminding me! Even still, I have never successfully eaten any part of the Planeteers, and to answer your question, people who are born from the depths of the Earth are born with the innate urge to feast on the rarest kinds of flesh. Sometimes I stalk herds of Kobe cattle, but when I rip into one of THOSE all I get is a few months probation. Hypocrisy.

I still have a few more e-mails to answer, so don't fret: keep checking, yours will PROBABLY be up sometime soon. Remember, send me your inane pop cultural references and veiled insults to captainofourplanet_( a)_gmail.com

Monday, March 14, 2011

Yahzee!

In the business of editorial cartoons, "Yahtzee" is where several cartoonists respond, within a short time span, to the same event with similar cartoons.

In the case of Japan's national tragedy, however, two incredibly stupid people have Yahtzeed in an equally stupid manner: by declaring the quake/tsunami/nuclear crisis to be an act of punishment for the national sin du jour.

Paul Watson, claiming (in a fairly opaque way) that Japan brought the tsunami upon itself because of its refusal to outlaw whaling:
http://www.sankakucomplex.com/2011/03/14/sea-shepherd-quake-is-divine-retribution-against-japan/
And Governor Ishihara, who said that the quake was divine retribution for the sinful ways of modern Japan:
http://www.sankakucomplex.com/2011/03/14/ishihara-quake-is-divine-retribution-against-japan/

Warning: both links are extremely NSFW and WILL get you banned from the public library

Look out Phelps, you got competition!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

NO JUST NO

http://insidetv.ew.com/2011/03/08/why-cbs-should-relaunch-two-and-a-half-men-without-charlie-sheen/

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRYH


HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AH

ah

WHY
Why would anyone say that?

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Mailbag #1

I said I would do it, and here it is: my answers for your questions! A grand total of three people asked me questions so i'm fairly certain this is going to be a yearly occurence. Anyway:

"I know what you did, man.
You'll pay for what you did to the squirrels."
E from O

First of all, this isn't a question. Although you did send me an actual question later on, I am still very disappointed that this was the first e-mail that I got. However, to respond to your comment, I have not had anything to do with squirrels in years. I would also like to know where you got that information, as it is clearly false and without merit.

"Have you talked to Captain Pollution, lately?"
E from O

Fishbelt O'Reilly asked me this question as well, I believe. Captain Pollution has since discarded his spandex suit and cologne of rotting garbage for a business suit. Last time I checked, he was the poll captain for the Liberals in NSW.

"Dear Captain Planet,
  I have been wondering this for a long time now after reading you blog, and truth be told I'm a little worried to ask. You have had MANY villains over the years from Dr. Blight to a Evil version of you. Whatever happened to those guys? I mean I figured the planeteers were all weird little bastards anyways; but Those villains always seemed to be a bit more competent than...well...you and your group of Eco Fighters. Anyways thanks for answering my question on your most busy Schedule.
Your long time fan,
Lanna"

Your assertion that the eco villians I consistently beat during the 80s were more competent than me and the Planeteers is sickening. Here's a question: if they were so competent, than how come the environment is still relatively livable? HUH?

I thought not.

Anyway, most of the eco-villians have passed away from various medical conditions brought on by their puzzling insistence on personally handling hazardous materials and maintaining unhealthy lifestyles. Looten Plunder is serving a 36 month prison sentence for cheating rich people out of their money on chicken bonds default swap deals, while Zarm now operates a small business out of Akron, Ohio, selling books about libertarianism and objectivism. It is my firm assertion that he is saving up money to buy the corpse of Ayn Rand. More to come on that.

That's it for now folks. Send your questions, comments, and majestic pictures of squid to captainofourplanet_( a)_gmail.com

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Wikipedia slander

I've learned from a confidential source that wikipedia, once a powerful force for social progression and eco-change, is now describing me as a "violent, raging alcoholic". While entirely factual I find it to be in poor judgement for one of my many disciples to break ranks and disrput the unity of the movement.

Basically, you are all scumbags. I will castrate you all.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Questions and my hypothetical answers

I`ve decided that I should take a different angle towards connecting with the world`s youth; going to seedy crack dens usually ends with police attention and worse. Instead, i`ll have you wonderful people contact me at captainofourplanet_(at)_gmail.com. I`ll do a Q `n A every now and then, a.k.a. when I feel like it.