Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I hate you all

Why did I create this horrible waste of electricity and bandwidth? While other supernatural entities receive regular national media attention and thousands of fans that regularly lavish them with praise and saliva, all I receive is more consumer filth from Quizno's, who have been joined by Canadian Tire and the Playboy Company. I urge you to harass their corporate executives and their families, as these people have all taken out pre-emptive restraining orders against me, complete with court-ordered tracking beacons.

"Hey Captain,
I'm assuming the green on your outfit represents the earth, the blue is the sky/ocean, and the yellow is for the sun. I'm afraid to ask, but what does the red represent?


Surprisingly, the answer to this is fairly mundane: red represents the reproductive processes of the earth, from the molten heat of our planet's core, to the blood running through every placentia that has ever existed. If one were to go through the creation stories of most superheroes, that person would be able to read quite a bit of fetal imagery into what would otherwise be mundane tales of tragic loss and assumptions of major responsibility.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Out on acceptable behaviour

To my adoring fan, I just want to tell you all that i'm back on the streets, ready to do socially acceptable activities! Although I may have been under outhouse arrest for a good month stemming from a particularly strange and weird vegan bash, I must ask that you please overlook any court records dating from that time that have my name on them.

I would like to say that i'm going to tackle the massive build-up of mail that accrued during my incarceration, but when I got access to my gmail account all I found were two e-mails. Both were coupon offers from Denny's. Although my last post might have been a contributing factor to this non-event I ask that you overlook that as well.

Rest of your e-mails go up tomorrow. The vegan bash story goes up whenever, but probably soon since i've been living the high life off of the $200 I get a month from the column I write for Mullet Monthly.