MuLlEt PoEtRy

My mullet is spiky, green and long
but not as hard as my blue schlong
Which is wacky, wierd, wet and round
Can hardly lift it off the ground
It's sadly afflicted by crab bites
And swollen, blue, in tight red tights
In cheapo goon my sex drive drowns
I thrust no more in leaps and bounds
From syphillis I have no fear
My prick's maintained by the Planeteers!

Mullet Article

Although it fails to mention one of the greatest champions of the greatest hairstyle (me), this article nonetheless is an informative and intriguing jaunt down the history of the majestic Mullet:

http://www.avclub.com/chicago/articles/cameron-esposito-on-great-mullets-throughout-histo,59773/

Check it out.

Mail blawhg

So I open my inbox after my many weeks of well-deserved rest from dealing with the torture of not having my adoring fans flood it with inane praise and insightful questions or ANYTHING REALLY, and when I do check it WHAT do I get? I get two pieces of mail, both from the same fuckign weirdo! Jesus christ what d I have to do to get your attention?! Blwo up the world again? I don't fucking care it'd be easier than remembering to post on this blasted thing during my rare windows of sustained sobriety (or creative states of altered consciousness).

"Sorry, I do hope it get's through this time. For some reason you're email name bounces. Unlucky.

Anywho, so you actually managed to memorise the whole movie? That is an impressive feat! Gaia must have at least recognised the passion for her you had simply by the effort you put into it. I do hope you managed to return the scars in some form for what she put you though.

Forever your minion,

Lanky"

I would like to say that those scars have indeed been returned, in the form of legal fees ranging in the hundreds of dollars. Those fees for sustaining court orders and peace bonds - they add up, fool!

"Captain! Mate, how are ya?

I hear the casks are proving to be a small problem for you? With that, I have a few ideas that you can do!

1. Donate them to the local childcare. They would prove to be excellent re-useable water bags for them, or pillows, or balloons, or anything else that involves carrying a liquidated gas. (assuming you don't have any diseases that can be contracted through sharing goon sacks)

2 Donate them to the local aged care home. I assume that with an ageing population, hot water bottles would be in great demand. With one of these babies curled up around the wrinkled, liver spotted feet of those old darlings, they'd be sure to get a good night sleep.

3. Donate them to the local brothal. Erotic asphyxiation. Need I say more?

Those are a few ideas I had to help. I have more, but I assume that should take care of them for a while.

Forever a fan,

Lanky"

Oh, so you're no longer my minion. You're a "fan" now. Just a "fan". I only go a single month without posting anything about my wretched existence and immediately I am degraded in your eyes? What kind of "fan" would do that? Why...why would you DO such a thing to me? EXPLAIN yourself - why?!?

As for the casks, they have since been filled with compost, and then sealed with melted plastic. The warmth from the decomposition of the enclosed garbage serves as a semi-adequate home heating system.

massage my bruised ego at: captainofourplanet @@@@@@@  gmail DOT com

A different approach

So late one night, while skulking the sewers of the internet for the most swarthy of sustenances, I came across an incredibly uninformed discussion about the current economic crisis. After spamming the thread with gay bagpiping porn for half an hour, I then decided I had nothing to do but actually read the links that were vomited upon my screen. There, I LEARNED THE MAGICAL TRUTH: recessions are great for the economy! When the world is in recession, people buy less, consume less, and throw away less! Nothing couldn't be better!

And seeing as how investment bankers have single-handedly thrown the world into a painful recession from which it is just coming out of, I feel that if I want to keep succeeding as a pioneer in environmental warfare, I must adopt those methods which are most effective, irrespective of the human costs (becuase let's face it: you people are all scum.).

Henceforth I have taken up a position at the investment firm JP Morgan Chase, home of the most economically destructive banking practices known to man. Right now i'm cleaning their toilets, but through goose-related shenanigans I will extort and molest my way into a position of power!

Wish me luck!

A bit of help?

Wannabee planeteers,

I need your help on something. Lately i've taken to the goon as a way to save money while still avoiding the crushing realities of my day-to-day life. However, it seems as if my locality does not offer me any option, WHATSOEVER, for recycling the spent casks. The liquor store won't let me reuse them, and I can't think of any other use for them. Can anyone help? I've filled up my linen closet with casks and am now using the bathroom as storage for them, and i'm afraid that my eco-conscious mannerisms will get me evicted come next contraband inspection.

Any tips? Helpful hints? Send 'em to captainofourplanet ( a ))gmail. com

Mulleted crusader par excellence,
Da Cap'n

Mailbag, oh so sexy mailbag

Feces.

"Dear Captain Planet,
   Sorry for the long absence of my letters. Real life gets WAYYY to hectic, but I'm sure you understand the most. You know, cause of all the lovely eco threats that have arisen in the last several months. Anyways, to my question! I have been wondering for a long time now, well ever since you blew up the planet and Mother Gaia told you to fix it, do you have someone special in your life? I know this seems as a more personal question but you know Cap, I always kinda looked at you as a friend...A Friend with a badass mullet. So I just curious, just because I think that is what would make your life better! Real honest lady love, from a LADY!! Sorry..energy drink...so..so hyper...! Anyways as always Cap, thank you for read and hopfully answering my letters!

Your Fan and Friend,
Lanna"

Speak no more. My loins needs warm, creamy melted cheese smeared all over them, and professional help doesn't come cheap. So to answer your question, yes I am currently hiring groupies, please apply in person. Latex lizard tails are a must.

"Yo captain.

Gaia was always floating around like some omipresent earthen spirit. Anything ever happen between you two? I bet it was sexy.

Lanky"

Sadly, Gaia used to be open to a relationship with me. Back then she was going through her Dustin Hoffman phase, and was vulnerable to anything that closely resembled the mangled stallion's digusting charms. She hinted to me that, were I to dress up like the Hoff, and recite lines from All The President's Men, she might waive her court order and let her let me touch her chocolate cocoa puff.

Sadly, by the time I memorized the entire movie, she had dropped her fascination with Hoffman in favour of your standard sadistic whip fetish.

Sadly, I have the scars to prove that this happened. On my loins, sadly.

sadly, I must ask again that you send all your fan mails to captainofourplanet (at ) gmail . com

Finally, some recognition

Just a quick mention that I have finally cracked the top 20 pictures for the google image search phrase "famous mullets"! Although the denizens of this planet might be largely ignoring the advice I so valiantly extended to them in the 80's, I have still received today at least some of the recognition that I deserve for my efforts.